Fair Fighting Strategies That Really Work!

The research points out that conflict goes up and marital satisfaction goes down after the first child comes along. 

This post aims to help you avoid being one of those statistics.  

Sure there’s a lot more going on when you go from couple to family, but learning to fight fair can help you sort through the chaos. 

Here are some steps to help you fight fair and understand each other’s differences: 

Step 1:  Realize when you’ve gone from 0 to 60 and you are too triggered or upset to have a civil conversation at this point.  Not to worry, there is a reason for this. 

Step 2:  Appreciate that your brain is offline and something else is getting triggered that probably doesn’t all belong to your partner.  This is not the time to try and communicate through your differences! 

Step 3:  Take a time out away from your partner, breathe, tune in to yourself and ask the following:  “What’s this inside my body that I’m feeling so upset about?”  You can reference the problem that happened between you and your partner but do not continue to blame your partner.  This is key, because 90 percent of the time it’s not about the present issue, and your partner’s not there to defend themselves.  So you are just fanning the fire of the blame game. 

Step 4:  Notice how you are quieting down and how the origins of what you were really upset about are coming to you.  Once you have some answers and are feeling more calm, you may now be ready to communicate with your partner. 

Step 5:  Check if your partner is ready to listen to you, and let them know you are in a calmer place to talk. 

Step 6:  Share with them what you discovered about what was upsetting you, and make sure not to blame them for the issue.  

Step 7:  Now, switch and you be the listener in an attempt to understand their upset. 

Notice that healthy communication is a lot slower, calmer, and there is a back and forth of listening and sharing.  Remember, it’s okay that you see things differently.  The goal is to show the person you can listen and respect their differences of opinion. 

What did you notice as you experimented with these strategies on learning to fight fair and how did it feel after you cleared the air?

Lori J Collins, M.S., MFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (License No. LMFT32958) who has been in practice for over 30 years in Redwood City, California.  She specializes in working with individuals and couples with young children to help them keep their love alive and thriving for the benefit of their relationship, their children, and the entire family.  Contact Lori today at (650) 366-6800 or LoriJCollins.com for a free consultation to see how she can be of help.  In person and virtual appointments available.